Dying to Self

Back in the States.

I'm struggling to actually remember that this is really happening.  I'm actually home.  Coming back seems like a dream that shouldn't actually be real, but really it is.  Being in Scotland was wonderful, and given a chance I would've stayed even longer.  Given the chance in the future, I'd go back in a heartbeat.  I have no reason to not go back.

For now, I'm at debrief in Atlanta, Georgia until Thursday in late in the evening.  Crazy.  I've dreaded debrief.  When I say dreaded, I mean to the most intense degree of dread.  But, like I genuinely hoped I would be, I was pleasantly surprised by debrief.  I have enjoyed being with people who are all dealing with similar things, and that's huge for me right now.

I'm realizing right now that I don't want to really talk through everything until I've processed it.  Now...if that's really what I was going to do it'd probably be a really long time until I would actually talk about it.  I also came to the realization that not wanting to talk about it is an incredibly selfish thing to do.  The more I've figured that out the more I have honestly wanted to be able to talk about it.  Dying to self just a bit more I guess.

Memories

Portree, Scotland

Scotland is beautiful.  Absolutely one of the most gorgeous places I have ever seen.  I have been so blessed to have been here and see the beauty of the Highlands of Scotland.  

The picture above is from us coming home to Kyle of Lochalsh after a day in Portree.  Portree is about an hour away from Kyle by bus.  It had been raining off and on all day and was quite misty...pretty typical of a rainy day here.  It looks fairly dreary, but there is something especially breathtaking about the place. 

 Achmore, Scotland

If you notice, it's quite green in the picture above.  Something that's been incredible here has been the lack of rain this region has received.  Time and again we interns have been told that we've had beautiful weather since we've been here.  Apparently we really have.  There is almost a lack of water because of so little rain this summer, AND it's been warmer than normal (not that it's 100 degrees here or anything...more like high 50s low 60s).  

This week is a very unusual week.  On Sunday, the interns said good-bye to our mentor family the Games.  As you can imagine, it was a really sad and tearful day, not only for us and them, but also for the church.  This week we've gone about life without them, which seems incredible foreign.  We're all missing them.  Two of my fellow interns went to a couple different places, and the three of us remaining went to Portree for a day trip.  We have all enjoyed and loved getting to see new places, but have found that we love Kyle so much.  

Today, Wednesday, we say good-bye formally to the everyone in the church.  Our Pastor here has managed to cook-up something for us...none of us know what to expect, but I can imagine it's going to be wonderful.  It's so sad to think of leaving all of these beautiful people after getting to know them and forming relationships with quite a few of them.  A part of me doesn't want to leave and say good-bye, even knowing I have so much I'm going back to...but I think I'm ready.  I kind of have to be ready, actually.  All of the tears and sadness will come and pass eventually, but I have so many wonderful memories of so many people and so many wonderful reminders of them for now.  Eternity is such a reality, for which I am thanking and praising God.

My Family: The Games Family and the Five Interns

Breathe Air

I'm breathing here.  That's pretty good considering my nose is all stuffed up...again.

But really, I am breathing.  I'm dreading next week.  Saying good-bye is never easy and for me it's especially difficult.  I keep praying for grace and mercy through this time.  Grace for myself and grace for the people we'll be leaving and saying good-bye to.

I've realized that there's a chance that with some or even all of these people I may never see them again until eternity.  That's a terribly difficult thing for me to wrap my mind around.  I want to be able to say I'll see them again soon, but the reality of it all can be daunting.  On the other hand, all of the difficulty of it makes eternity more of a reality.  I hope that makes sense.  I know there will come a day when I'll see all of these people again and that day might not be until eternity.  There's something beautiful about that.  It makes me realize that eternity is actually going to happen.  I will see these people.  What a beautiful hope God's given us in the times of difficulty!

I don't want to lessen the fact that it's going to happen or that it will be no big deal.  Because it's still hard.  But there is another glimmer of hope and it's beautiful.

That brings me to another thought.  Hope is beautiful.  I've come to see that more and more in the time I've spent here, in my own life and in the lives of the people here.  We have a hope that is put in Christ and it's incredible.  It's meaningful and it is not for nothing.  I'm convinced more and more that my faith and hope in Christ is not in vain.

That's powerful.

I want people to know this hope.  I want to see people here in Lochalsh, Scotland changed.  I want to see their lives changed and shaped into incredible things by God.  I want that to be a reality.  My heart's calling out...screaming inside of me for that to happen.  I want to see it happen, I want to be apart of it.

There are incredible things that have been done and many many things to do.

Right now, I just need to breathe...and continue pressing on in the grace and strength of God.

Live Life

I jumped off a small cliff.  It’s a little below 60 degrees here and I jumped into a freezing pool of water maybe 30 feet below me.  This was a once in a lifetime opportunity I didn’t want to miss out on. 

Kind of like my time here in Scotland.  I may never have the chance to do this again (I truly hope that I can come back here).  All of me is just screaming don’t take anything for granted and regret absolutely nothing.  I don’t want to look back on this time, or really my life in general, and think “why didn’t do that?” or “I should’ve done that better, or given it my all.” Etc. 

I want to live my life to the fullest.  I want to be all I can be in the remainder of my time here.  I want to regret nothing.  I want to love my teammates better.  I want to love my mentor family better.  I want to love the people here better.  I want to be bold with the words that I say, I want to proclaim the gospel and hold nothing back.  I don’t want to blow off the time here.  I want to take advantage of what time I have left here. 

It would kill me too look back and think, “Why didn’t I do x, y, or z?” or “Why did I do the selfish things I did?”  All of this has made me think more about my life.  I don’t want to hold anything back.  I want do all I can do, see all I can see, I want to take advantage of good thing God throws my way.  I want to really live.  God has given us so much freedom in our lives; freedom to jump off a cliff into freezing cold water. 

 We have the chance to jump into icy dark waters regularly.  I’m not advocating stupidity, but rather saying do something different.  Be exciting!  I don’t know about you, but the people who do “crazy” things are the people I have a tendency to adore.  I want to be like those people.  I want to live like life is just a breath, and see and do whatever I can—look at the amazing creation God made!  Who wouldn’t want to live life when you look at it all from that perspective?  God has blessed us so richly.  If you have the chance to do something incredible, do it.  Live life. 

I’m convinced of this more and more as I’m living and as I’m reading God’s Word.  We have much to be thankful for and much to do.

Biscuits

I’m sitting at home…by myself.  That’s quite a phenomenon considering I’ve been surrounded by my teammates constantly since I left home about 7 weeks ago.  I’ve realized that I dearly love the people I came to Scotland with.  Granted, the girls are all living together and my dear brother lives just a bit down the road, I love all of them dearly.  Today, I sat and thought about all of that. 

Wednesday through Friday I am living alone, while my dear friends are in another place working at another week of Holiday Club (VBS).  Those same days I have my dear brother and friend working alongside me, doing Door-to-Door ministry, working in the Open Door Café, and being in the community. 

Door-to-Door has been very difficult.  Even in the difficulty of it, I’ve been very blessed to have the opportunity to go with the Pastor here, and see his view of how it should be done which actually is incredible because it’s almost so easy…but yet it is so difficult.  We’re inviting people to a barbecue and then asking people simple questions about their views of the church here, about Christians, about religion, etc.  Really, that’s so simple.  But to go up and talk to someone at their house and ask those questions is incredibly difficult, and it terrifies me.  There is something beautiful about it.  I am excited to see what the next several times of going Door-to-Door will bring. 

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Wednesday evening rather than having a prayer meeting, the church had a night similar to our small group evenings back home.  We had tea and biscuits*, prayed, discussed the church and Christians in the world, and talking about Mark 2:13-17.  It was wonderful.  I loved sitting and listening to people toss around ideas about what living out our faith looks like.  Not only that, but also looking at what it really looks like to love people and love people who aren’t Christians.  My mentor led the discussion tonight.  Something that he has said earlier in our time here has been extremely convicting for me, and I hope that it burdens you just a bit.  We’ve all heard the phrase “Christians are to be in the world, not of the world.”  My mentor wants to tack on this phrase to the end, “Christians are to be in the world, not of the world, but be for the world.” 

Be for the world.  Am I really for the world?  Do I desire to see the world changed?  Do I really want the people who are all around me, who I pass in the street to know God and be saved?  Honestly, sometimes I don’t even give it a second thought.  Other times I think how can they even make that jump?  I don’t actually love people nearly as much as I should.  If I actually loved people with the love that Christ has for us, and that we are supposed to have for other people, I would care and love people down to the core.  Down to the soul.  That being said, I would care about the people of the world, and I would be for the world. 

I want to be that way.  I know people who are that way.  I want that in my heart and in my actions.   Sometimes I succeed at loving people, and all to often I fail at it.  Someday, as God works and changes me (sanctifies me) I’ll care so much more for the world and the souls of the people in the world.  I pray that that’s the case in my life.  I pray that God might stir your heart in that as well.

Prayer Request

1.           Pray for health amongst all of us.  A handful of us have been sick off and on throughout our time here, and that’s been quite stressful and difficult.  As we’re going into our last couple of weeks here we want to be healthy.

2.          Pray for the Door-to-Door ministry in the days to come; for good conversations, for boldness as is needed, and for seeds to be planted or watered.

3.          Pray for the remainder of our time here.  We, as a team, love this place.  We love the people here.  Please pray for us to be wise with the remainder of our time here, to love the people here with every ounce of our being and to really be in this place.

*Biscuits:  here, biscuits are not biscuits as we think of them.  We think of biscuits as being doughy and having jam or gravy on them.  When I say we have biscuits with our tea, what I’m actually saying is that we are having cookies, cake, scones, etc. with our tea.

Full Circle

We're half-way through being in Scotland.  I'm half-way through this time here.  Is that even possible?  It feels like just yesterday I got here!  Time has flown by, but in a wonderful way.

I've enjoyed my time here thus far.  This place is beautiful.  The people are beautiful.  I love it.  My heart has been snatched away by Scotland.

A handful of things I've learned from being here:  I've learned that there is such a thing as over-doing it, and that I am guilty of running myself ragged most of the time.  I've learned that relational ministry is exhausting, but is one of the best ways of loving people with Christ's love.  I've learned that I am not nearly as open and readable as I think I am, which has proven to be an on-going work in my heart as I'm living with three other people who as a whole genuinely want to know what's going on so they can take care of me.  I've been convicted of my selfishness.  I've learned to confess more and more.  I have found out how important it is to have hard conversations; sometimes people need to have difficult conversations to work through things, and sometimes it's God's way of using us to plant seeds.  I have been taught that it isn't always us who does the actual bringing someone to faith, so often God uses us to plant seeds, water seeds, etc. (the story of Paul and Apollos).

So often I forget that last point.  I forget that we aren't responsible for anything that happens.  We are merely a tool that God uses in someone's life.  I've been blessed to be reminded of that multiple times throughout my time here mostly from one of my dear teammates.  I was encouraged by my teammate as they gave their testimony, and brought that illustration into their testimony.  If people hadn't taken the time or effort to have conversations about God with my teammate where would they be?  Granted, God would have brought them to faith in some form or fashion, but imagine that with me.  If we are so scared of people and aren't bold in the words we speak, how can we plant or water a seed?

All of these things aren't nearly all that God's done in my heart, but rather several of them.

I'm amazed at the work God's continuing to do in my heart, and in the hearts of my teammates.  God's breaking each of us down and teaching us so many things.  It's brilliant to see all that He's doing.  It's amazing to see all He's done.  We're all being changed and molded, and our hearts are being broken piece by piece.  

What am I thankful for right now?  Right this moment, I'm thankful for thunder and rain (first thunderstorm since I've been here, it's reminding me of home); a blanket to keep me warm as I am very very cold and under the weather a bit; internet to be able to communicate with home; Holiday Club (VBS) this week and all the joys and trials that accompany it; Jackie, who has been an incredible mom to me, and has loved on me tremendously this week; and the people who tirelessly give us food.

The people here are wonderful.  I never cease to be amazed with anyone in their kindness to us.  There is something different about so many here.

People have been incredible generous to us, and that's been amazing to me.  I see generosity at home, but not in the way I have here.  I'm encouraged and challenged by that.  It's beautiful to know that people around the world are doing more than what we are at home.  Simultaneously, it's sad to look on and see the brokenness, the sin, of us.  I know that more can be accomplished.  I know God can do more.  I know that Heaven can be brought a little bit closer to this earth.  I want to see that happen.  At home, across the world, and  in my own heart, not just now but as my life continues.

I want to see the hearts of people change, mine included.  I am the least among so many.  We all desperately need the blood of Christ.  We need to be covered and made whole.  I am broken.  You are broken.  Only because of the work of Christ's death on the cross can we even begin to be made whole. Without that blood, we are dead in our sin and subject to all the justice of God.  Praise God for His Son!  Praise God for the Lamb who was slain!

Coming full circle.  You're seeing a lot of my thought process after reading that.  My mind is a bit of a mess and needs tidying up.  That's really where I'm at though.  These are the things on my mind and heart, and what's going on now.

This is what's real.

Prayer Requests:

    Please pray for deep rest for me and my team.  We're exhausted.  (You've probably sensed a trend amongst the prayer requests...we are tired)

    Continue to lift us up as we work to further the Gospel.  Pray for boldness as we speak to people.

Holiday Club

Life is going on as it has been for the last bit of time.  This week we have embarked on "Holiday Club," also known to you as VBS.  So far, it has gone quite well.  The kids love these times and we are loving being apart of the Holiday Club.  

I've been apart of the "Drama" (Skit) along with several other members of my team.  Oh how we just embarrass ourselves daily.  The laughter from the kids is so rewarding, and they absolutely love it.  

I've learned that these kids are coming from all over the close villages to be apart of this time.  A lot of the kids know each other from school.  Then there are a bunch who don't know anyone (like we would have at home).  But, they all come together and have fun; singing and learning about Jesus.  It is wonderful.  

That's the morning.

In the afternoons, we are running a teen club.  The teenagers here are coming over (to the same hall from the morning) for about 3 hours.  We have a huge game or two we'll play, then have a time for some snacks, and then a time for Bible Study.  It's a really wonderful time where the youth come for fellowship.  And it's not just Christian youth, there are some who are on the fence, and others who don't know where they stand with Christ. 

I'm so blessed to step back and see where we're all coming from (not just the youth, but the team as well), and then see what we're diving into and where we're going.  

God is working and moving in our hearts and in the hearts of others.