However Many Months Later

Time passes.  These past 6-ish months I've been home have gone by swiftly.  But in another very real sense the time has gone so sluggishly it's exhausting.

By body is tired.

I'm worn down.

Weary.

That's the word I've been groping for so desperately over the past few weeks to describe my current state.

I've been in such high stress situations in the past year plus, that I feel desperately tired.  Everything that has happened...that I've gone through has been challenging, trying, and wearing.  But through that concrete of all of life's difficulties, little bits of greener have grown.  The Lord has taught me so many things that I wouldn't give back for the world.

I wouldn't take back the sufferings.

I wouldn't take back the pain.

Some of the pains of this world have worn me thin, but they haven't worn me out yet.  Some of the reasons for the pain have been made somewhat clear.  But, so many more of those reasons are so hidden, even still.

Those pains, the ones that still don't make sense, I would not trade in.  I know something beautiful will come from them, and I know that some of those things won't come immediately.  I pray for the grace to accept that, and move forward in the strength and peace of the Gospel.

Scotland was difficult.  But the difficulties, regardless of how difficult, were worthwhile.  I wouldn't trade them for anything different.  As I'm sitting in my room looking at the pictures of the people who were my family for two months, I'm reminded that those people are still present.  They are still in my heart, in my life, and in my future.  God was so good to me.  He was so gracious to bestow such beautiful and kind people in my life.  I miss those people so greatly my heart aches.

I miss the family of interns and our mentor family.  I miss the community that we had, I ache for that.  I miss the family of the church and the people in the community that became so important to me.  I wish to be back there.

Several weeks back I received a letter that I had written to myself when I finished debrief at MTW is Atlanta.  I sort of remember part of what I said, basic don't forget what you experience, etc.  But other than that I don't remember.  That letter has sat unopened.  I'm sure there's some underlying reason why I haven't opened and read what I wrote to myself, but the reality is that I just haven't done it.  I can't explain exactly why.  It's just the way it is.

Even so, I will choose peace.  I will choose to learn to love this place where I am.

Endings and Beginnings.

It's been quite some time.  I am quite sorry.

I've not really wrapped up my time in Scotland.  Frankly, I don't think there is a way to actually wrap up time away from your home in a country that steals your heart and then breaks it.

There is no easy way to explain my time and say what all God did in me and through me.  I wish I could sit down and explain my time for hours on end.  I believe that's the only way to adequately describe what happened.

Many of my stories are found here in previous posts.  Read what I've written.  That will bring you to this point, and paint some sort of a picture for you.

God broke my heart for the people I met.  I cannot tell you the great darkness the has flooded Europe.  So many churches that lie practically empty, with just as many people empty of the love of God.

Europe is a place that needs Jesus.

Just like me.  Just like you.

I have another home.

I have another family.  One I'll never forget, and one that I love deeply.

So many people are in desperate need for the love of Jesus.  My heart is torn apart for people who don't know this love.  Especially for the people of Scotland who stole my heart.

I'm so blessed to have had this opportunity.  God gave me such a beautiful adventure.

Thank you everyone who played some role in this chapter in my life.  You are many and I am truly thankful for each and every one of you.  God planned every step of this journey and without you it never would have been the same and it wouldn't have ever happened just like it did.

God has done marvelous mysterious things in me.  I can never thank Him enough for all He has done.

For now, I will continue walking and trusting in Him to make beautiful the hard things in my life.  I will trust in Him to reveal some new nugget of my life to me.  I will continue to listen for His voice as He guides me.

Right now, I will be a college student, searching for joy in the mundane and renewal in the never-ending homework--all the while waiting for new adventure.

The next adventure awaits.  God has even more beautiful, heart-breaking things ahead of me.  I cannot wait.

For all who might be curious to hear about my adventure in Scotland, this Sunday night at 6 P.M. at Covenant Presbyterian Church in LR I'll be sharing.

This will be a time to tell everyone about certain aspects of my church, share my heart, and Lord willing allow you all to see pictures from my trip.

Come if you feel led!

Today has been a day filled with a little bit of hurt.  The kind of hurt that sits in every corner of your heart, of your day even, and doesn't go away.  I'll be honest, this hurt for me pops up at random times throughout the year, for whatever reason.  But today was different, almost the climax of pain, or rather the concentration of that pain.

Two years ago, today, the world lost a woman who had an enormous impact on me, and on so many people all throughout Arkansas.  Indirectly, she has made an even bigger impact on the world through various people.

She had an incredible impact on my heart and my life.  I can honestly say Miss Mary changed me for the better.  Who I am today is largely dependent on her and her two daughters.

Today, I've sought to celebrate who she was and remember the many many things she taught me (they were vast).  Miss Mary taught me to love through her example.  She has been, by far, one of the most loving women I have ever had the privilege to know.  She taught me to love Jesus even more.  Through her teaching me about Jesus she showed me the importance and great responsibility we as Christians have to love the world.

Learning to love the world, was all her doing.  I am so incredibly thankful for her.  My heart wouldn't desire half of what it does now if it wasn't for her.  My heart wouldn't ache quite so much for the broken, hurting, and lost of the world if I hadn't first seen the beautiful model of loving Jesus and what that really looks like as I did with her.

I've never been quite so encouraged to follow my heart and dream.  This beautiful, sweet woman gave my dreams a kick-start.  She made me realize that everything I wanted to do, I could if God gave those dreams flight.

I dearly miss Miss Mary.  My heart aches at the loss, and I look forward to glory when parting is no more and reunion is sweet.

Fighting for Joy

There's something about waking up in the morning without feeling any joy, and knowing you have to move forward in your day through school and work.  It's really difficult.  Days like this I sincerely want to just stay in bed and let the day go buy.

But instead I make it a priority to fight for joy.

Fighting for joy is so much more difficult than what you might realize.  It's not say, "I will be joyful" or "I will have joy," but rather it's running to God and committing my day, my every moment, my joy, to Him.  Today in the little bit of quite time I mustered this morning, I cried out asking for that. I asked for joy.  In the midst of asking God to give me joy, I realized it's not that I need joy, because joy is already in my heart.  God's placed joy in each of our hearts, we are just responsible for living that joy out and making it ours.

In the midst of that moment, I realized I should be praying a little differently.  It then turned into committing my entire day and everything within it to Him, and then asking that He help me be joyful through the entire day and in every moment.  I have so much to have joy for.  So many things to be thankful for.  I want to run after joy.  I want to be joyful in all of my life.

In honor of fighting for joy, today I'm wearing yellow.  A color full of joy.

Fight for joy in your life.

Love Heals

I've been home for 20 days.  It feels like ages ago I was curled up with a cup of tea in Scotland chatting with some of my favorite people in the world.

...time passing...

The time I spent in Scotland was genuinely one of the most incredible experiences of my entire life.  I can't even begin to say anything compared to it.  Nothing will ever really compare to that time unless I go back to the same place--which I do want to do someday.

Let me explain something to you.  This heart in my chest had developed a distaste towards the churches in the States.  Not necessarily just my home church, but also the churches spread across the States.  This distaste was a result of incredibly judgmental eyes picking apart thing after thing.  It's quite difficult to express that thought.  It's sin that's been festering within me.

God tore that down.  He ripped it apart and showed me how foolish and stupid I was for even crossing that line and picking at the church, saying "Oh, you aren't doing this, this, or this.  The true church should be doing all of these things, as we're commanded in the Bible."  What was I doing by doing that?  I quickly realized this summer that I was burying my own sin.  Rather than looking at what I have done, the ways in which I've been sinning (recognizing my own sin), I've been instead looking at the sin around me.  I've been doing that very thing for years.

Churches across the world struggle with so many things.  Each with it's own set of problems, each not always realizing their faults (which all of us do).  No church is perfect.  NONE.  I cannot even begin to tell you how hard that hit me this summer.  Nothing in-particular gave me a vision for that.  That lesson was purely a lesson God had chosen for me to learn this summer.

...time healing...

I believe God allowed me to be in the midst of so many loving people this summer for a reason.  He knew I was needing to be around people to really love me and care for me in the simplest of ways, and then in the largest of ways.  That love healed my heart.  Over.  And over.  And over. 

...love heals...

Broken

Sitting in my favorite spot of the house, listening to the buzz of the TV in the background, and the noises of my mom in the kitchen.

I am home.

All of those are things that I've missed.  Although now, I'm different, from the seemingly insignificant--I'm sitting drinking tea--to the significant changes of my mindset and heart.

I'm enjoying being home, and please don't think I'm not enjoying it.  It feels so good to be back in the arms of family and dear friends.  But the thing is, my heart's been broken.  God broke my heart this summer through people.  When I left Scotland, I left a big chunk of my heart there.  I miss life there.  I miss food.  I miss tea there.  I miss church.  I miss community.

But, I know this is only the start.  The beginnings of a more broken heart.  God's going to continue to doing big things in my life and even now I'm excited.

This is by far not the last of my posts.  I know there are a couple more just itching to come right up and out.  Those will be about things that I'm processing.  Whereas right now, I'm just content to sit communicate to you the ache of my heart.

That being said, I am thankful for where God has be right now.  There are so many things I know He's going to teach me in the next year of my life.  God has me right where He wants me.

God is good all the time.  And all the time, God is good.