However Many Months Later

Time passes.  These past 6-ish months I've been home have gone by swiftly.  But in another very real sense the time has gone so sluggishly it's exhausting.

By body is tired.

I'm worn down.

Weary.

That's the word I've been groping for so desperately over the past few weeks to describe my current state.

I've been in such high stress situations in the past year plus, that I feel desperately tired.  Everything that has happened...that I've gone through has been challenging, trying, and wearing.  But through that concrete of all of life's difficulties, little bits of greener have grown.  The Lord has taught me so many things that I wouldn't give back for the world.

I wouldn't take back the sufferings.

I wouldn't take back the pain.

Some of the pains of this world have worn me thin, but they haven't worn me out yet.  Some of the reasons for the pain have been made somewhat clear.  But, so many more of those reasons are so hidden, even still.

Those pains, the ones that still don't make sense, I would not trade in.  I know something beautiful will come from them, and I know that some of those things won't come immediately.  I pray for the grace to accept that, and move forward in the strength and peace of the Gospel.

Scotland was difficult.  But the difficulties, regardless of how difficult, were worthwhile.  I wouldn't trade them for anything different.  As I'm sitting in my room looking at the pictures of the people who were my family for two months, I'm reminded that those people are still present.  They are still in my heart, in my life, and in my future.  God was so good to me.  He was so gracious to bestow such beautiful and kind people in my life.  I miss those people so greatly my heart aches.

I miss the family of interns and our mentor family.  I miss the community that we had, I ache for that.  I miss the family of the church and the people in the community that became so important to me.  I wish to be back there.

Several weeks back I received a letter that I had written to myself when I finished debrief at MTW is Atlanta.  I sort of remember part of what I said, basic don't forget what you experience, etc.  But other than that I don't remember.  That letter has sat unopened.  I'm sure there's some underlying reason why I haven't opened and read what I wrote to myself, but the reality is that I just haven't done it.  I can't explain exactly why.  It's just the way it is.

Even so, I will choose peace.  I will choose to learn to love this place where I am.